Are Foam Fingers Really Necessary?

Last night I sat in Section 94 watching the Sox eek out a win against Toronto. The Sox scored the first two runs from an error at the plate, although I didn't actually see that happen.

Across the aisle sat a typical family - mom, dad, boy, girl - all decked out in Red Sox gear. They were so cute in their matching Ortiz jerseys, chowing down Fenway Franks and cheering for the team...until in a moment of weakness or whining, the parents caved. Seconds before as I saw the vendor huffing it up the stairs toward our section with an armful of foam fingers, penants, and $30 rally monkeys, I knew we were in trouble. Sure enough, they bought two $10 foam fingers. You could hear the moans from the season ticket holders who sat behind them. They knew we were all in for a rough game.

It takes all of about thirty seconds for a kid to realize all the "amusing" things they can do with a foam finger:

1. Pick their nose with it.

2. Pick their sibling's nose with it.

3. Try to pick their mom's nose with it.

4. Try to pick their dad's nose with it (then having it grabbed out of their hands and given back only when they whine a little then promise not to do that again.)

5. Pointing the foam finger as though it was a gun and trying to make believe they're shooting people walking back up the aisle with their beers and $10 Hilltop steak sandwiches (a much better choice for spending ten bucks if you ask me.)

6. Trying to goose people walking back up the aisle with their beers and $10 Hilltop steak sandwiches (until Dad grabs it out of their hands and gives it back only when they whine a little and promise not to do it again.)

7. Waving the finger incessantly during the play of the game, completely oblivious to the other 37,842 Red Sox fans behind them who are trying to watch the game.

8. Affixing the foam finger onto their brand spanking new Sox caps then turning their heads left and right to purposely hit anyone within a three foot radius.

9. Using the foam finger to poke the people sitting in front of them in the back of the head then hiding the finger so that when the annoyed fan turns around they see nothing.

10. Using it as a pillow after the sugar high of Cracker Jack, Kettle Corn, fried dough, ice cream, candy and cotton candy has worn away.

A little advice to you parents who actually think that a $10 foam finger is a good investment and can't for some reason or another convince your kid that the same ten bucks would be better spent on a steak sandwich: Please, please, make sure your kid doesn't wave that stupid foam finger during the play of the game. There are other fans who have paid top dollar to watch the game, not to watch your kid try to pick his brother's nose with a foam finger or to watch your kid use the time when there are two on base and Papi at the plate to stand and show their support for the Sox and their newly acquired foam finger. Teach them a little fan respect. Or better yet, don't buy the foam finger in the first place. Honestly, where do you think it'll end up a few months from now? And don't get me started on $30 rally monkeys...